Humorous Quotes about Drinks/Drunks/Wine/Liquor/Alcohol

An alcoholic has been lightly defined as a man who drinks more than his own doctor. ~ Alvan L. Barach

Man, being reasonable, must get drunk; the best of life is but intoxication.~ Lord Byron
The best audience is one that is intelligent, well-educated, and a little drunk. ~ Alben W. Barkley
Alcohol is necessary for a man so that he can have a good opinion of himself, undisturbed by the facts. ~ Finley Peter Dunne
There is no such thing as bad whiskey. Some whiskeys just happen to be better than others. But a man shouldn't fool with booze until he's fifty; then he's a damn fool if he doesn't. ~ William Faulkner
I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes. ~ W. C. Fields
It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it. ~ W. C. Fields
Don't you drink? I notice you speak slightingly of the bottle. I have drunk since I was fifteen and few things have given me more pleasure. ~ Ernest Hemingway
And malt does more than Milton can
To justify God's ways to man. ~ A. E. Housman
I drink to forget I drink. ~ Joe E. Lewis
I'd hate to be a teetotaler. Imagine getting up in the morning and knowing that's as good as you're going to feel all day. ~ Dean Martin
Candy, is dandy, but Liquor, is quicker. ~ Ogden Nash
I only drink to make other people seem more interesting. ~ George Jean Nathan
What whiskey will not cure, there is no cure for. ~ Irish Proverb
There are more old drunkards than old physicians. ~ Francois Rabelais (Gargantua)
Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life. ~ Bernard Shaw

One reason I don't drink is that I want to know when I am having a good time. ~ Lady Nancy Astor
This is the great fault of wine; it first trips up the feet: it is a cunning wrestler. ~ Titus Maccius Plautus
A drinker has a hole under his nose that all his money runs into. ~ Thomas Fuller

Never accept a drink from a Urologist. ~ Erma Bombeck
I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink. ~ Joe E. Lewis
If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt. ~ Dean Martin
A hangover is something to fill a head that was empty the night before. ~ Anon

Some men are like musical glasses; to produce their finest tones you must keep them wet. ~ Samuel Taylor Coleridge
When I played drunks I had to remain sober because I didn't know how to play them when I was drunk. ~ Sir Richard Burton
Even though a number of people have tried, no one has ever found a way to drink for a living. ~ Jean Kerr
I'm not so think as you drunk I am. ~ John Squire
Water, taken in moderation, cannot hurt anybody. ~ Mark Twain
The worst thing about some men is that when they are not drunk they are sober. ~ William Butler Yeats
You can't be a Real Country unless you have a Beer and an airline -- it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a Beer. ~ Frank Zappa
Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth. - George Burns

After the war, Prohibition was passed, and with liquor no longer legally available the nation plunged headlong into the Great Depression. ~ Dave Barry (Dave Barry hits below the beltaway)